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Emotional Impotence

Essays on the Narcissistic Relationship.


Selfish With A Side Of Disordered

Are They Just a Selfish Jerk or Are They a Disordered Obnoxious, Selfish Jerk?

I’ve met both.

All genders, races and sexual preferences.

I’ve definitely had my own selfish moments. And I’ve acted like a jerk.

Anyone who has experienced narcissistic abuse knows there is a significant difference between the selfish jerk and the disordered-obnoxious-selfish jerk. One doesn’t trauma-bond with a mere selfish jerkYou don’t obsess, have panic attacks, develop an eating disorder, dive into mental illness, and have your soul ravaged over just a selfish jerk. You don’t question every relationship as well as your ability to differentiate what is real and what is Memorex with just a selfish jerk.

Selfish jerks make promises they never deliver. They rarely apologize. They are obtuse. They are passive aggressive and, yes, they are weak. They leave people hanging. They don’t share their feelings even when someone is being extremely giving to them. They disappear over ridiculous slights without offering the ability to confront anything. Some rant and rage and wallow in the hood: The Victimhood.

Selfish jerks can have temporary missives with their behavior. They say they don’t want to hurt anyone. If cornered, some will even apologize and evolve. They were triggered. Sometimes they were triggered out of an abuse they’ve suffered. Afraid of rejection, they may run with their tail between their legs while espousing their “word as their bond”.

Selfishly-disordered jerks (psychopaths and sociopaths) do all of the above but they do it with sadistic enjoyment of other people’s pain. They plot, strategize, and plan soul-crushing emotional time bombs and then smile like Damien’s child when they see the carnage they’ve created.

I watched a man decimate his wife regularly and publicly while smiling as the blood drained from her face and pooled in her neck. It was frightening and sickening to witness his black, vacant eyes and the smirk on his face as he left her emotionally bereft by an unauthorized, sneak attack or a full frontal assault.

I witnessed another as he sat back in his office chair, smiling widely while stretching out his arms and lacing his fingers behind his head. He had just figured out that he had complete control of one of his employees who was in desperate trouble with her child and her finances. “Who would hire her after what she’s done to her kid? She’s got medical expenses for the rest of its life. She’ll take whatever I dish out and beg for more.” This was bone-chilling to witness. She still works for him but he is probably right–she’ll never quit. He will pass her over, use her to triangulate with his wife, her coworkers, her husband and friends for two reasons–the eternal boredom of his emotionless life, and, because he can. This is better salvo than an orgasm. For predators like this it is a calculated traumagasm they’ve been perfecting all their lives.

I always wondered why he chose to show me what he looked like under his mask of sanity and “Aw, shucks” persona. It didn’t scare me but I certainly was disgusted. I was also and already trauma-bonded with him and it took a full year after the latest round of pain infliction on everyone around him before I got out for good.

Was he a selfish jerk? Absolutely, but he wasn’t obtuse. A selfish-disordered jerk doesn’t have occurrences of insight about their behavior in order to change their ways. Selfish-disordered jerks know exactly what they are doing and feel they are entitled to do whatever they want. They know it–not feel it–and are just entitled to know it. Disdain is the favored resting place when they have ravaged another source of adoration to the point of exhaustion. Or they simply do it out of boredom. Or because something shinier came along.

Selfish jerks also use social media to attack because they cannot deal with face-to-face confrontation. They hide behind self-righteousness and the flavors of a weak constitution. They don’t mean to inflict pain, they are acting out of their pain. On the other hand, the psychopathically disordered are far removed from their pain. They hunt to hurt.

While we know the difference through our own experience and by educating ourselves about the ravages of narcissistic abuse, let’s try to behave responsibly. Not everyone is a sociopath or a psychopath or even a high-spectrum narcissist. Some people are just plain selfish: temporarily or permanently. Watering down the significance of narcissistic abuse by labeling anyone who’s just a selfish jerk as a member of the satanic club of psychopathy is not good for the cause.

Confront and move on from just selfish jerks. Always and forever go NO CONTACT with disordered-selfish jerks. They’ll beat you with your goodness, enjoy your beheading, and convince you to come back for more.

Don’t fret.

Life always comes back to serve them up with a wonderful thing called age. Selfish-disordered jerks don’t age well. The older one gets the uglier it is to behave like a spoiled, demonic child unwilling to share the toys in their shrinking sandbox of life.

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